After the loss...

Miscarriage, Pregnancy Loss, or Infant Loss: Surviving Emotionally

Now that you have experienced a pregnancy loss you are probably feeling more sadness than you ever thought possible. Having a miscarriage can be very difficult. The emotional impact can usually take longer to heal than the physical impact. Allowing yourself to grieve the loss can help you come to accept it over time.

What Are Emotions I Might Feel After A Miscarriage?

Parents may experience a roller coaster of emotions such as numbness, disbelief, anger, guilt, sadness, depression, and difficulty concentrating.  Even if the pregnancy ended very early, the sense of bonding between a parent and their baby can be strong. Some parents even experience physical symptoms from their emotional distress. These symptoms include:fatigue, trouble sleeping, difficulty concentrating, loss of appetite, and frequent episodes of crying. The hormonal changes that occur after miscarriage may intensify these symptoms.

The Grief Process: What Should I Expect?

The grieving process involves three steps, but not necessarily in this order. You may pass through the steps more than once. 

Step 1: Shock/Denial

“This really isn’t happening; I’ve been taking good care of myself”

Step 2: Anger/Guilt/Depression

“Why me? If I would have…” “I’ve always wanted a baby so bad, this isn’t fair. I feel sadness in my life now more than ever.”

Step 3: Acceptance

“I have to deal with it, I’m not the only one who has experienced this. Other parents have made it through this, maybe I should get some help.”

Each step takes longer to go through than the previous one. There are unexpected and sometimes anticipated triggers that lead to setbacks.  

Examples of potential triggers include: baby showers, birth experience stories, new babies, OB/GYN office visits, nursing mothers, thoughtless comments, holidays, and family reunions.

How Can I Survive My Pregnancy Loss?

Respect your needs and limitations as you work through your grief and begin to heal.

As you work through this difficult time:

• Reach out to those closest to you. Ask for understanding, comfort and support.

• Seek counseling to help both yourself and your partner. You don’t have to face this alone.

• Allow yourself plenty of time to grieve and the opportunity to remember.

How Women And Men Sometimes Grieve Differently:

Generally women are more expressive about their loss, and more likely to seek support from others. Men may be more action-oriented, tending to gather facts and problem solve, and therefore often do not choose to participate in support networks that consist of sharing feelings. This does not mean they is not grieving. Often men (or people who tend toward traits traditionally thought of as "male") bury themselves in work when they are grieving.

Parents experience different levels of bonding with a baby. The bond between a pregnant woman and the baby growing inside her is unique.  A woman can begin bonding from the moment she has a positive pregnancy test. Bonding for the father may start as he experiences physical signs of the baby, such as seeing an ultrasound picture or feeling the baby kick.

However, real bonding may not develop until after the baby is born. This is why some parents may seem less affected when the loss of the baby occurs early in pregnancy. These differences may cause strain in your relationships as you try to come to terms with the loss.

You can help your relationship to survive by:

• Being respectful and sensitive of each other’s needs and feelings.

• Sharing your thoughts and emotions by keeping communication lines open.

• Accepting differences and acknowledging each other’s coping styles.

Understanding Your Healing Rights:

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting or making the memories insignificant. Healing means refocusing over time.

You have the right to:

• Know the facts about what happened and potential implications for the future. Seek answers to your questions, look at the medical records, and take notes.

• Make decisions about what you would like to do with your maternity clothes, baby items, and even breastmilk if applicable. Lactation professionals can help you dry up your milk safely or donate your milk to help other babies. Others might try to make quick choices for you; instead use others to help you figure out what option is best for you.

• Protect yourself by avoiding situations that you know will be difficult. Set realistic goals for yourself.  For example, focus on coping through the day rather than the entire week.

• Take time to grieve and heal. There is no set time allotment for healing nor is it something that can be rushed.

• Receive support even though this may not be easy for you. If you feel out of control or overwhelmed, consider seeking help from a counselor, therapist or support group to help guide you through the grieving process.

• Be sad and joyful. It is okay to feel sad at times but the key is to not let it control you. Others have survived their grief, and in time you will, too. Do enjoyable things because laughter and joy are healers. Remember that celebrating bits of joy doesn’t dishonor your loss.

• Remember your baby. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting or making the memories insignificant. You may want to name your baby. Some parents find comfort by doing something tangible like planting a tree, selecting a special piece of jewelry with a birthstone, donating to a charity, or donating breastmilk. On the anniversary, you may want to share a special time with your partner.

  
  

Other Helpful Actions:

Find a Counselor in Your Area or Online

Attend a support group:

Closest support group to our area is in Reno, NV - https://www.pilsos.org/events/

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support Organization of the Sierras – PILSOS

 (as of 01/16/2025, please post below if you know of other groups!).

PILSOS Support Group – 2nd Wednesday of Every Month, 6-730pm. Located at St. Mary’s Center for Health, 645 N. Arlington, Ste 120. Reno, NV – A peer-to-peer support group. No children, please.

Helpful Resources:

• Parents or other family members who have experienced the loss of a baby between conception and the first month of life can receive a free March of Dimes bereavement kit by contacting the Fulfillment Center at 1-800-367-6630 or email request to bkit@marchofdimes.com

  
  

• Other Helpful Web sites:

  • www.mend.org

  • www.angelsinheaven.org

  • www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz

Helpful Books:

For Adults:

• Miscarriage: Women sharing from the Heart — by Shelly Marks, Marie Allen

• Miscarriage: A Shattered Dream — by Sherokee Isle, Linda Hammer Burns

• Surviving Pregnancy Loss: A complete sourcebook for women and their families — by Rochelle Friedman and Bonnie Gradstein.

• Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Deborah Davis

• Ended Beginnings by C. Panuthos & C. Romeo

• When a Baby Dies by M.J. Church et al (TCF)

• When Hello Means Goodbye by P. Schwiebert and P. Kirk

• When Pregnancy Fails by S. Borg & J. Lasker

For Children/how to explain pregnancy loss or sibling loss to children:

How to Talk to Kids about Death:

*Note: in this video she doesn't mean refrain from sharing religious beliefs with your child about the afterlife, but rather explain it using simple language. For example, "After a person dies we believe they will live in Heaven (of course then you have to explain what your religious beliefs means in simple language). The point is to avoid complex stories and comparisons and create space for your child to ask questions. Check for understanding with your child by asking, "Could you tell me what you think happened to Grandma?"

• Explaining Death to Children by Earl Grollman

• The Fall of Freddy the Leaf by Leo Buscaglia, PhD, Flack Inc. (for children)

• When Pregnancy Fails: Families Coping with Miscarriage, Ectopic Pregnancy, Stillbirth, and Infant Death. Susan Borg and Judith Lasker, Bantam Books, 1989. A good resource to understand pregnancy loss, including some information on support for the family.

• Hour of Gold, Hour of Lead: Diaries and Letters of Anne Morrow Lindbergh. Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1973. Anne Lindbergh writes of the pain and loss in the wake of their young child’s abduction.

• A Child Dies: A Portrait of Family Grief. Joan Hagan Arnold and Penelope Bushman Gemma, the Charles Press, 1995. Dealing with death of unborn children, infants, and children of all ages.

• How Do We Tell the Children? by Shaefer & Lyons

• No New Baby by Marilyn Gryte

• When Goodbye is Forever – Learning to Live Again After the Loss of a Child by John Bramblett, Ballantine Books

• Anna: A Daughter’s Life. William Loizeaux, Arcade Publishing, 1993. A father’s account of his grief at the loss of his infant daughter. A valuable guide to help adults/parents explain death to children.

Compiled using information from the following sources:

American Pregnancy Association, https://americanpregnancy.org/getting-pregnant/pregnancy-loss/miscarriage-surviving-emotionally/

March of Dimes, http://www.marchofdimes.com

Miscarriage Support Aukland Inc., http://www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz

Coping with a Miscarriage by Susan Donnis, R.N., M.A.T. and revised by REVISED – Nancy J. McClellan, CNM, MS October, 2008. 

Miscarriage or Neonatal Loss by Gretchen Gross, MSW and revised by – Nancy J. McClellan, CNM, MS November, 2008.